Quick Sex Jokes...Part 1

Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What's the biggest fish in the world?
A: A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you.
A: When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q: Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A: They're called 'Predickamints'

Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A: Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q: What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A: One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A: Nothing.

Q: How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A: Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q: Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A: Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q:What's the best thing about a blow job?
A:Ten minutes of silence!

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A: Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q: How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A: The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q: What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q: What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning Girls

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A: One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q: Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It works by changing your blood type!!

Q: What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A: Toys for Twats

Q: How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A: Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A navel.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q: Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q: What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A: A Klondike Bar

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove!

Q: What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A: You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q: What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A: WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q: What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A: We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn't last forever.

Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A: Call her and tell her.

Q: A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: How do men sort out their laundry?
A: Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q: What's the difference between a man and ET?
A: ET phoned home.

Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A: It doesn't need cleaning.