How Do You Describe Your Friend?

There are 8 ways i can describe you as a good friend.

- Lifely, Adorable, Nice, Caring, Heartful, Encouraging, Optimistic and Wonderful.
In short you are my L.A.N.C.H.E.O.W. friend.

There are 7 ways i can describe you as a caring friend.
- Clever, Happy, Enjoyable, Entertaining, Bubbly, Young and Exciting.
In short you are my C.H.E.E.B.Y.E friend.

There are 6 ways i can describe you as an understanding friend.
- Caring,Humble, Intelligent, Playful, Easy-going and Toughtful.
In short you are a C.H.I.P.E.T. friend.

There are 5 ways i can describe you as a best friend.
- Fashionable, Up-to-date, Cute, Kind-Hearted and Understanding.
In short F.U.C.K.U.

The Word 'TIU'

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful word in Cantonese today is the word "TIU" It is one magical word which just by the sound can describe pleasure, hate and love.

"TIU" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (eg. Goh tiu-ed Irene) and intransitive (eg. Irene was tiu-ed by Goh).

It can be a noun (eg. Goh doesn't give a tiu about Irene) or an adverb (Irene is tiu-ing beautiful). It should be obvious by now that there are not many words as versatile as the word "Tiu". Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

Fraud - Ngor pei yan tiu chor
Dismay - Tiu nia ma hai
Trouble - Yi chi tiu lor
Aggression - Tiu kow lei
Passive - Tiu ngor..??
Confusion - Tiu mat chat?
Difficulty - Tiu, ng chat meng ah...
Despair - Yi bai tiu lorr
Philosophical - Mm lan tiu hai lah..
Incompetence - Oh, tiu lo
Displeasure - Tiu, fart sang meh yeh si ah??
Laziness - Tiu lan tow hai...
Rebellion - Tiu chart hoi!
Direction - Ma chat tiu tei fong lei kah???

The mind really boggles at the many creative uses. How could anyone be offended when you say the word "TIU"? Use it in your daily speech - it adds to your PRESTIGE!

Tell someone today TIU - we meet again!

Affair in the making!! Live on video

I think I must say either these couple are really stupid without realizing that there are indeed CCTV installed inside the elevator or their sperms and ovums (respectively) had started to overflow in their glands that had blocked their cow sense!

Sex is definitely good for you!!

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Morning Eye Exercise!!

DID YOU READ THE WRITINGS OR YOU ARE LOOKING AT OTHER STUFFS??

How To Make Your Wife Faithful To You?

but this is only applicable to Indian culture...

The 6 Affairs

1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, They fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they alwayswanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen.
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'
There's no need to,' his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

An Ass That Ruins A Man's Life!!

A tale of many neighbouring countries when 1 tries to be extra cleverer than the others without compassion by Malaysian in the "Malaysia boleh" spirit!

A Prime Minister entered his donkey in a race and it won. The PM was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The Malaysian & local paper read:

PM'S ASS OUT FRONT

The PM’s mentor (PMM) was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the PM not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the Malaysian & local paper headline read:

PMM SCRATCHES PM'S ASS

This was too much for the PMM, so he ordered the PM to get rid of the donkey. The PM decided to give it to his Wife. The Malaysian & local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline thenext day:

PM's Wife HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The PMM fainted. He informed the PM's Wife that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a Malaysian for RM10. The next day the paper read:

PM's Wife SELLS ASS to Malaysian FOR RM$10

This was too much for PMM, so he ordered the PM's Wife to buy back the donkey and the PM's Wife did so & lead it to the Malaysian jungles where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

PM's wife ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The PMM was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Joke of the Day

Joke 1
A man is visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several weeks. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. Upon doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests the man rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor is amazed, calling this a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggests the man to go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside since this is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, them comes out about 10 minutes later and tell the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks, "What happened?"

To which the man replies,"She choked...."

Joke 2
Q: What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A: Your ears - to listen to footsteps.

Joke 3
Q: Why are masturbation and procrastination the same thing?
A: Because either way you end up screwing yourself.

Joke 4
Two whales were swimming in the ocean. One of them notices a whaling ship up on the surface and says to the other.

"Hey, that looks like the same whaling ship thatgot our friend just the other day."

The other whale says, "I think you are right. I've got an idea. Let's go blow some bubbles underneath and tip the boat over."

Both whales agree and before long men are spilling into the ocean.

The first whale says, "Okay, let's have some more fun, and go eat some of those men."

The second whale replies, "I don't mind a good blow job but I draw a line at swallowing seamen...."

Joke 5
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."

A minute goes by and Ma says, "Screw you Pa". Another minute goes by and Pa says, "Screw you Ma."

Another minutes goes by and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Yet another minute goes by and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma".

A couple of minutes go by and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex thing......"

GPS Mobile Phone Tracking Technology

Guys!! The technology that we wanted all this while is finally out. This GPS handphone tracking facility will help you to find your colleagues, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your family, your secret admirer and even your Tu Lan enemy wherever and whenever. Just enter the country of the mobile and then key in the mobile number (No need to put in country code lah since you already selected the country you dum gai!!)

I could not believed that it can show where I was!!! Oh man!!!!

Go to this site Mobile Phone GPS Tracking Technology


Above: Enter the country and phone number


Above: Search and DESTROY!!!

Malaysian Drivers and Their Origin

1. One hand on wheel,one hand on horn - IPOH driver

2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette - KEPONG driver

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic - DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator - JOHOR driver

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap - BANGSAR driver

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in fear - FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA

7. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic - SUBANG JAYA DRIVER on Federal Highway!

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window - KARAK HIGHWAY, KUANTAN driver.

9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude, rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding ribbon still attached to antenna - CONSTRUCTION SITE, PUCHONG driver

10. One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can in the middle turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in fact, driving anywhere he likes. Aaahhh ... this is a heaven for drivers ...welcome to PENANG!

11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5 seconds - WOMAN DRIVER

A Practical Guide to Right Living

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?""Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

**************************************************************

A crusty old man walked into a bank and said to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."To which the astonished woman replied: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?""Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!""I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."Having said this, the teller left the window and went over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both returned and the manager asked the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?""There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man said. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!""I see," said the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything. ***********************************************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc......"The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of '-key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

**************************************************************

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes accidents do happen.

Learn Cantonese in 5 Minutes

1. That's not right................................................... Sum Ting Wong


2. Are you harboring a fugitive........................... Hu Yu Hai Ding


3. See me ASAP...................................................... Kum Hia


4. Stupid Man......................................................... Dum Gai


5. Small Horse........................................................ Tai Ni Po Ni


6. Did you go to the beach.................................... Wai Yu So Tan


7. I bumped the coffee table................................. Ai Bang Mai Ni


8. I think you need a face lift................................ Chin Tu Fat


9. It's Very dark in here....................................... Wao So Dim


10. I Thought you were on a diet.......................... Wai Yu Mun Ching


11. This is a tow away zone................................... No Pah King


12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week......... Wai Yu Kum Nao


13. Staying out of sight.......................................... Lei Ying Lo


14. He's cleaning his automobile .......................... Wa Shing Ka


15. Your body odor is offensive............................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

How To Stay Alert in Office

Ever wonder how you have to go to work the next day after you party like Ah G Ah 9 later tonight?

Use this.... comes in various sizes and shapes.


And you will look like this...


Even your next cubicle colleague also could not tell the difference (only for those who don't have pig snores problem)

Uncle Ho Wants You

Uncle Ho Holdings, Malaysia's largest manufacturer, distributor and retailer of quality pirated and bootleg VCDs, DVDs, Audio CDs, CD-ROMS seeks suitable candidates for our rapidly expanding organisation.From our humble beginnings in Petaling Street in 1998, we are currently operating more than 68,000 outlets in the Klang Valley & Johor Baru. We have managed to secure at least 4 stalls outside every convenience shop, 8 stalls outside every coffee shop and 50 stalls at every pasar malam. We're expanding into every housing and commercial areas, making us the biggest outdoor retailing company in the world with over 16 million discs sold daily.Our high-tech multi million ringgit manufacturing facilities are now operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws. We are gearing for an IPO(Initial Public Offering) and are in the process of applying for MSC status as Malaysia's largest multimedia company.

Be a Franchisee
We offer exciting and profitable franchising opportunities for retrenched workers, unemployed individuals and ex-convicts. - Set-up cost is a low RM500, including an inventory of 150 titles, portable iron stands, plywood and red table cloth.- As the franchisor, we'll provide you with protection against local gangsters, unsatisfied customers, enforcement officers and post bail if required. All confiscated items are our responsibilty and will be returned to you within 2 working days. - You will be rotated with other resellers from nearby areas to reduce the rate of return or exchange for defective copies.


- For an additional investment of RM1200, a battered 25-year-old car will be provided as a mobile store. - As part of the Uncle Ho Network, you'll be provided with access to VIEWS(tm)(VCD Inspectors Early Warning System). By placing well trained informers in every enforcement agencies, we're able to eliminate the 'surprise element'.- While we take every precaution to warn you of impending raids, we highly recommend the purchase of an unlicensed walkie talkie. You'll be able to network with other franchisees through the wireless system and receive additional news and warnings. As the largest purchaser of Motorola GP300 Walkie Talkies, we're also able to supply you units at very attractive prices.



Our Mission Statement

- To provide Malaysian youths with employment and a stable source of income.

- To help promote Malaysia as the top regional technology and multimedia hub in the true spirit of 'Malaysia Boleh'.

-To make available in Malaysia the latest blockbuster 30 days before its international release.

- To fight American hegemony by reducing the profits of Hollywood studios and Bill Gates.

- To place a stall every 25 feet on every five foot ways throughout Malaysia.

- To reduce the rate of defective discs to 25%.

- To send every VHS player into early retirement and to achieve total extinction of the format by by 2004.

Join Us Full Time (Vacancies Available KL/PJ/Cyberjaya)

Reseller (26,000 positions, Nationwide)
Job Description: Operate mobile five foot way stalls.

Requirements: Preferably chinese males aged 16 - 22 with blond hair.

Possession of own waist pouch to store X-Rated titles will be an added advantage.

Benefits: Flexi-hours and additional one 'day off' each year during major annual operasi.

Graphic Artist (3 positions, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: Design covers/inlays for movie titles. Copy latest movie listings from IMDB's website.


Requirements: Very rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop. Ability to design blockbuster-looking or porno-looking covers for mediocre movies will be an added advantage.


Benefits: Free 10 copies of (pirated) software programs every month.

Camera Operator (15 positions, Klang Valley)
Job Description: Capture movies being screened in cinemas without being noticed.

Requirements: Ability to operate camcorder. Good knowledge of seating positions in major cineplexes so as to capture entire screen without tilt or distortion. Ability to hold your cough for 90 minutes and munch popcorn silently is an added advantage.

Benefits: Free popcorn and movie passes every month.

Purchasing Officer (1 position, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: To buy back consficated items at a reasonable price.


Requirements: Preferably Malays. Good negotiation skills. Ex-employees of city and town councils are encouraged to apply.
Benefits: Easy settling of parking summons and other fines. Please send your resume to:
The Group Human Resource Manager.
Syarikat Kumpulan Uncle Ho VCD, DVD, CD, CD-ROM
Holdings & Group Of Companies (Malaysia) (1998) Sdn Bhd.
E-Mail: carikerja@uncleho.com

Community Service / News / Promotions

· As a responsible corporate citizen, we provide free Video-to-VCD conversion for all MAS cabin crew, subject to subject in video.

· We offer big discounts on (un-sellable) art house films and award-winning Iranian movies as a way of promoting quality films to the masses.

· Mother's Day Special - Special pack of 10 movies to watch with your mother non-stop this Sunday. Guaranteed no sex scenes. Promotional price: RM 30

· New stalls opening in front of KLIA Main Terminal Building this June & in Taman Negara this July.

Can You Solve This Puzzle?

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly!!!!!!!!!!! The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time?? Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.Still you couldn't.........

Think hard

Don't give up...

Tired???

Wanna know the answer??

Answer :

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???

OK, OK.... No violence please!!!

Got Frustrated At Work?

My Boss Buys Me Breakfast??

Usually I don't really expose my personal life in my blog since I think I got so much things better to do but what happened this morning thus had changed my perception liow.

As the title of this post had spelled out, my boss bought me breakfast which he had not done since I had been working under his fucking arse for the past 4.23 years. Although it is just 2 packets of fat rice (Lat Sei Lia Ma) but the sentiment counts (my foot!!!). I was numbed and speechless for the 1st time with my boss (apparently took me 2.38 secs to regain my composer), i actually say TQ ah.



I examined the 2 packets of fat rice like those seen in CSI; god knows whether it was purchased yesterday (or even a week ago). Aiyooo... it is warm woh... (ok, ok.... don't get excited leh I told myself). Then I saw a familiar thing about the packets of fat rice.... it was from the kakak warong just outside my office. How can I tell? There got their own leng pai (chop) on the paper wrapping loh....

Honestly, i dun feel Kam Thung or what. So, i told my colleagues and they go like Waahhhhhhhhh..... (so what i said). At last, I lelong the fat rice (under table!)

Post Mortem Whem Man and Woman Go For Lunch

Man
1. Lunch time, walk to the restaurant
2. Enter the restaurant
3. Take plate with rice
4. Choose ‘soong’
5. Give the tau keh look see
6. Pay money and look for table to Tup Toi
7. Order drink and start eating
8. Finish meal, swipe oily mouth with hand
9. Walk back to office
10. Sleep



Woman
1. Lunch time!! Go make up at toilet with colleagues
2. Walk to restaurant holding hands while watching other people walking or their clothes
3. Become fashion critics / gossips
4. While walking, look at shoe or make sure clothes are proper using the shop’s window glass as mirror
5. Reach restaurant, look see look see around first
6. Feng shui not ngam, look for other restaurant
7. Repeat 5 – 6 till suitable restaurant found
8. Survey food first like shark
9. Order food and sit down
10. Tell drink waiter to come back later because got gossip
11. Order drink
12. Drink come and start to inspect the glass, the straw, the spoon etc for clealiness
13. Pay money to drink waiter after satisfy with health check
14. Food come, pay money and continue gossip
15. After 5 minutes, then finally eat.
16. Complained about the food already cold, not nice, too oily, not enough kicap etc
17. Did not finish food and continue gossip
18. Make a move when started to realize other people wanted the table
19. Survey food 1 more round like shark for tea break
20. Tapau kueh and walk back to office
21. Complain about the weather, the traffic, the people and gossip continue
22. Stop by pharmacy to get monthly ‘supplies’ or see whether got free lipstick testing
23. Almost 2 o’clock, complained late liow
24. Run quickly go back office
25. Stop by toilet and apply make up
26. Go to office sit down and take the phone and call friend and gossip

No wonder women are more complex than men :p

Communication Breakdown?

Memo from Director General to Manager

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information.Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes.For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to Staff

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Shaolin Soccer....The Missing Part

Remember that all time favourite movie, Shaolin Soccer played by Stephen Chow?









If age had served you badly, click HERE to refresh your memory.

Anyway, the following clip was not featured in the original movie (which I wonder why). See this up, close and personal of the missing part.

Where Tonite Going To Have Sex Leh??

Tired of having sex in your bedroom all the time? Need a change of scenery and some exotic inspiration? If you want to shake things up….try some of these kinky options.

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

Pros: Fresh air, sunshine/moonlight on your naked bodies and the thrill of being naughty.
Cons: Poison ivy, mosquitoes, sand/dirt lodged in ’strange’ orifices, getting busted by Girl Scouts or Tok Kadi.

THE BOSS’S DESK

Pros: The satisfaction of having a sly secret whenever you’re called in for a meeting; being the only person who knows where that odd stains on his desk and making your office a more pleasant environment to work in; plus a reason to work overtime.
Cons: Dangerous fountain pens and staple removers to watch out for; Mak Timah, the cleaning woman might be watching from the closet and possible hidden cameras that may land you on TV3 Special Live Telecast.

THE LAUNDRY ROOM

Pros: Just wait till you hit the spin cycle.
Cons: tatic electricity; lint in your most private nools and crannies; plus you’re bound to lose a sock.

BACKSEAT OF YOUR CAR

Pros: Reliving your adolescence; smooth tunes on the radio and fogging up the windows.
Cons: No frigging room and many ‘manoevures’ cannot be perfomed; undergarments getting lost under the seats; and polis shining their lampu suluh onto your bare ass.

UNDERWATER

Pros: Romantic sound of crashing waves, seagulls and harbor lights.
Cons: Unexpected friction between moving parts; drowning, sharks, piranhas, jellyfish and swimsuits floating away.

UP ON THE ROOF

Pros: Spectacular view and open air.
Cons: TV3 news helipcopters and gawking people in higher buildings.

ON THE VIDEO
Pros: Feeling like a porno stud? Having the tape and watch later and relieve the HOT XXX action.
Cons: Having your Tai Yee Ma watch the tape by mistake and suffer a heart attack.

PARENT’S HOUSE

Pros: Aren’t we the naughtiest little boy and girl?
Cons: Getting busted - could scar you for life and ruin sex forever.

How You Should Write Your Resignation Letter?

Sample #1

Dear Sir/Madam:
You are an idiot, and I can prove it. First of all, you never realized my full potential. Second, you never even learned my name. And thirdly, you don't even know how to turn your computer on without instructions. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor to have your head examined ASAP. He should be able to confirm the fact that you have a giant piece of crap lodged between your ears instead of a brain.Once you've done that, you should probably also check your boots for stain marks from all of the employees you kicked over the years.So, in other words, Sir/Madam, I resign from this crappy job. Good luck ruining other people's lives, I'm outta here.

Sincerely,
Ma Foo Lat

Sample #2

Dear Sir/Madam:
I can't believe I've spent the last three years of my life working for someone like you. You are unprofessional, boring, ugly and extremely dumb. I think that you should take some vacation time so that your employees can actually have fun at work for awhile. It's amazing how much everyone hates you. I was considering giving you two weeks, but after thinking about it some more I've decided that I'd rather sell oranges on the side of the highway before spending one more day working for you. Consider me officially resigned!

Sincerely,
Ma Foo Lat

Sample #3 (Especially for System Administrator)

An actual letter of resignation from an IT employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss. His boss apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers.Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, You are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me " back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are.

Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Rejected Interviews! Becareful when you answer

Story I


E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this effect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not effect the company's reputation but because company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will effect our managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you!!

Hong Kong Actress cum Radio DJ, Ng Kuan Yue

Listen to this. It is so hilarious that I shed tears hearing it. It is about this Joey guy declared himself as the King of No-Women-Want-To-Date-Him and he is calling a HK radio station and spoken to Ng Kuan Yue.



if it fails to play, you may download HERE

Top 10 reasons why we SHOULD NOT buy pirated DVDs

1. Free black plastic bag
You can’t get those cool black coloured bags anywhere. The ones sold outside are too big and they are meant for the tong sampah.

2. Family bond every weekend
When you go to Summit USJ, you can se little kids running to the DVD shop to select their favourite Pokemon cartoon DVD. And then mommy will come along to find her favourite Teresa Teng DVD. Next comes big sister to select her F4 DVD. And lastly, big bro and daddy searching for the latest movies … and try to eye for some you-know-what DVD. Anyway, the whole idea is, the pirated DVD shop is like a place for weekend family reunion. When was the last time you saw daddy buying little Billy a DVD in Speedy Video?

3. Cinema sucks
When you reach the cinema, you’ll have to line up for 15 minutes before it’s your turn to get the ticket. By then, they tell you ticket sudah habis. So you buy tickets for the next show and have to wait another 3 hours. When the time comes, the ticket usher stops you from bringing nasi lemak and cha-kuay-teow into the hall. So you’re forced to line up another 10 minutes in the snack bar. By then, you’re already late for the show. Lampu sudah tutup when you go in. Oooppss .. terjatuh and everyone laughs at you. Next, the cinema bores you with 15 minutes of iklan. Frankly speaking, I dunno why the government ban ‘XXX’ DVDs when all the beer commercials in the cinema feature sluts dancing around. Later, your handphone rings and everyone boos you. At last, the show ends but you’ll need to beratur through the smelly exit. After 30 mintues, you notice that your handphone is lost. The only thing good about cinemas is the fact that you can throw kua-chi on the floor.

4. Customer Friendly Sellers
Buying DVDs from the stall is like dining in a luxury restaurant. First, those blond hair sellers will greet you with ‘leng-chai’. It’s now time to order the meal. If you know what to order, they will search the title for you. But if you’re undecided, these fellas will suggest some ‘meals’ for you. Strangely, all movies (according to them) are nice to watch. When you’ve finished, here comes the main course. The rectangular box containing all the ‘finest artistic international’ stuff. And you can bargain too! But when you buy DVDs from Speedy Video, the shop assistants will stand few meters away from you, with their arms tied and eyes alert, thinking that you’re another shoplifter. 5. Beli barang buatan Malaysia
The title says it all. No need to say more.6. Cut Cut Here, Cut Cut There
You go to the movies…while watching the most suspense part in a love movie….as the guy and girl are about to kiss…all of a sudden, the screen goes into matrix mode. And then it changes to some dull scene. Doesn’t this sound familiar? Say thank you to our censorship board for helping us remove the “naughty” parts. You never get this when you buy pirated DVDs.

7. Malaysians Got Turned On When There Is Sales!!
6 years ago, piracy was a minority because of the original DVD pricing and contents. 3 years ago, they increased original DVD prices by 70% and say it’s because of import duties, tax and other crap. While at the same time, the pirated DVD prices drop by 50% - 70%. Customers would prefer to buy from a sale right?

8. Educating Malaysians
Piracy helps students to learn new programs at a reduced price cost. If every student is going to spend RM800 just to buy Adobe Photoshop, then Malaysia would lag behind in the computer graphics industry. So in the long run, Malaysia’s economic status becomes better with more knowledgeable citizens.

9. Increase GDP
As people are willing to spend money on pirated DVDs but not that willing to buy original cds, they are circulating the money and helping to increase the GDP. This also helps to increase sales of DVD players.

10. Latest Movies Ever
Pirated DVDs offer the latest movies, even before they are shown in the U.S.! Compare this to original DVDs,where you have to wait for a few months after the movie is first released.

Testing your Hokkien skills

Cinderella story with a twist....Just got this from my Ah Beng and Ah Lian friends in Southpoint and I can't stop laughing (even though I failed)...

Instructions
1. Read the passage carefully and understand (try your very best lah)
2. Grade yourself with the grading system at the end of the passage after reading.
3. Not that difficult, chin chai do also can.Section A : Orrler Exeminetion (60 marks)

Singalella why become rich
Koo zhar wu chee ay char bor kia, Singalella. She got two sisters, but the stepmarder hor, and the sisters hor, all damn kuai-lan, so she quite zhia-lat oso. Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become the amah. Everyday must cooklah, cleanlah, rublah, massagelah, blow also simi sai mah pao-kah-liao. If her sister say liak kar zhuak, she liak. Tak jit zho kah tau-hin. CPF poon boh. Then no new shares oso No money to contribute S$50 ..cannot go out to bank also. But then, kay piak eh ah-pek got one son call Ah Ming got party. So he say, "oeh, long chong kee ah." Singalella very happy because she never go party before but then her marder say, 'Lee Mana eh-sai kee, this one bahru your sisters wu standard.

Then Singalella must zho sui-sui for her sisters and marder. Tap pai how, buay zhia, buay koon and buay pang-sai. That night she only can wave bye bye and then she go back to the kitchen and cook Maggimee. Her neighbour came over and ask, 'Eh, an-zhua boh kee party?' So Singaalella kong, 'I-wan, lau bu kong buay-sai, so boh pian.' She never expect but the neighbour say, 'Aiyah, keelah, I give you money.' So singalella brush teef and zhang-zhui, chen-kor, after that look very different. She quickly run to opposite of the beh-chia-lor, already 11 o'clock at night olredi. At the party, Ah Ming also quite shien because the char bor all buay sui one. Dance floor even got one ah pek dancing. Just as Ah Ming told himself, 'Aiyah see-pay zhia-lat' Singalella came in. Ah Ming straight away lau nuar.

'Wah-lau eh, see-pay heng ah, chee kor buay pai.'

Ah Ming say to Singalella, 'eh, sui eh, wah ai kah lee zho flen!' Singalella say Ok but Ah Ming like octopus, touch here touch there. But then just it was 12 'clock one ah pek die on the dance floor. He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number so after that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok tau-pio, zhit-pak ban. So she pay back the kay-piak eh lau-kay-poh and then kah kee cho sen-lee. Simi kuan eh sen-lee wah mana eh zhai.GRADES: Gauge Your command of Hokkien

1. Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly: Hokkien Eh Sai, Bo Beh Zhao. (Grade A1)

2. Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien properly: Zhia Lat (Grade A2)

3. Don't understand story and/or catch no ball ? Leow Leow, Mai Ka Lang Kong You is Hokkien Singabolean (Grade E8)

4. Don't understand rating: Kee See lah, Wah Mana Eh Zhai Lee Kong Simi? (Grade F9)
* Ah see lee bah lu gia A2, mian kee gia ritten exemanation.